I originally started this blog as a way to stay connected with my family and friends and share my thoughts on mommyhood. Over time, this blog evolved into a craft blog. I realized I love to write, but also to share my creativity. I love to inspire others to realize you don’t have to be super ‘crafty’ to be able to create beautiful things. I love to share tutorials with everyone, but I still want to be able to share snippets of my life with you. Since this is not at all a craft/DIY post, I won’t have any hard feelings if you just skip past this post.
However, this has been weighing heavily on my mind. I have been debating whether or not to actually hit ‘publish’. I am not sure if I should share something so personal with all of the blog world to see. But, I also realize that by sharing, I might be able to help someone else going through something similar. So despite all my reservations about writing something so personal, I am going to hit publish. Today.
I have to start off by giving a little background information. Two times in my past I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. Once, in high school and another time at the end of my college years in 2001. The first time in high school I was still mourning my mother’s death. She passed away when I was 8 years old, and I don’t think I had ever really processed my grief. After some serious counseling, I felt like myself again – actually even better than my old self.
My last semester of college I was under immense stress to complete the two degrees I was working towards. I was completely burnt out from being a nearly straight A student all my life. I put a ton of pressure on myself to excel and the weight of it just came down on me like a ton of bricks. Needless to say, that was my worst semester I have ever had at school. That time around I was able to do cognitive behavioral therapy with a great therapist and it worked wonders!
I have read studies showing that people who suffer depression once are much more susceptible to becoming depressed again. Since college, I have suffered some times of feeling not quite myself or a little sad, but nothing I couldn’t pull myself out of. I used the techniques I learned in therapy to pull my mood around.
Fast forward to the past few months. I am sinking. There is no other way to describe it other than I feel like I am drowning. And I can’t seem to pull myself out of it this time. I don’t enjoy doing the things I once enjoyed doing. The responsibilities of being a mom and a wife all just seem to be too much to bear. Even the littlest things take the most amount of energy.
Let me preface this by saying there is a lot going on that is contributing to my not feeling so great. One of the biggest issues I have is a two and a half year old that still doesn’t sleep through the night. That means more than 2 and a half years of not getting a good nights sleep. If you have ever missed a few nights sleep, you know how this can negatively affect your mood. Times this by almost 1,000 days and you could see how this wouldn’t be great. For anyone.
I also am feeling very isolated lately. I have a lot of friends, but don’t really have a ‘best’ friend (other than my husband). There is definitely something to be said for having a great girlfriend to talk to and share with. And right now in my life, there is not anyone that fits that void for me.
I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband. He is my rock in hard times. And I am so grateful that he has supported me in talking about all this with him. I have been shutting him out and that is not fair at all. I feel so bad that right now I am not the wife he married. And I think by talking to him about it, sharing with some of my family (and now sharing it here) I am starting to feel like I can move forward.
Depression is a strange thing. As much as you need or want to talk about it, you sometimes just can’t. Some of that stems from being worried about people judging you. Some of it comes from the lack of energy to do anything, let alone have an emotional talk about what you are feeling (that more than likely the other person isn’t really going to understand). And some of it comes from not wanting to admit to yourself that you are anything other than happy.
But now that I have admitted to myself that I am heading down that road to depression again, which I so desperately want to avoid, I know what I need to do to move forward. Essentially, I have to ‘fake it ’til I make it’. I have to just do those things that used to make me happy and I know eventually I will find some peace and happiness in those activities.
And that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to move forward and try to enjoy all of life’s blessings, because there truly are so so many.
I know this was an extremely heavy post. And I thank you to those of you who made it all the end with me. I hope my experience can someone help someone else out there, if by nothing else than to make you realize you are not alone!
Please note, I am not a therapist and if you are feeling overly sad or not quite right you should definitely see your doctor. It is always okay to seek the help you need.
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Poppy (xperimentl) says
Hey Laura, you’re right, you aren’t alone! Sometimes letting it out and getting it off your chest like you did here can make a world of difference. Our kids and husbands just want us to be happy, but we tend to put a ton of pressure on ourselves. A sad and stressed mom isn’t good for anyone. Try not to be so hard on yourself (I know, easier said than done). Have you talked to a pediatrician about your toddler’s sleeping issues lately? Some answers or ideas in that department would probably help a lot.
Anonymous says
Thanks for sharing, sorry you are having such a low point, it must be in the water, because I have been feeling the same. Many break downs lately, sorry I haven’t been the greatest friend, we need to make the time to have girl time. I’m here if you ever need anything or just to vent. Love ya Krystal D
Anonymous says
I have always battle depression too, Laura. It is a strange thing that takes over of your whole self and it’s hard to get back sometimes. I have also been struggling lately. I feel like our family has had so many challenges this year, its just one thing after another. It is really wearing on me to be the rock of our family right now when I feel like I am crumbing. I just try and take things in stride and let go of the fact I can’t control everything. Life will get better and we have been through worse. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I am always up for a good conversation. Thank you for sharing :)
Carrie Kellogg
Angie@Echoes of Laughter says
Hi Laura! So sorry to hear that you are not feeling like yourself! I hope you are feeling a little better. If not, get to a doctor and talk about a treatment plan to tackle it head on before it spins out of control. And make sure to keep close friends and get out once in a while with some girlfriends and chat and laugh and visit. It helps! A short brisk walk every day is helpful too! Take care! Angie xo